After years and years of struggling to get pregnant, when I was with my ex-husband, I found out I had PCOS. I am forever grateful to the doctor from the Tule River Reservation. I went into action and did mounds of research.
When DH and I tried getting pregnant, I had to go back for more research because we were unsuccessful for so long. Saw a hematologist nearly a year later to make sure it was safe for me to be on hormones or if I would clot, a fear that had been with me since my mother died from two blood clots.
After repeating tests because things came back abnormal, it turned out it was ok to go on hormones, but there were abnormalities in my blood. Something to consider.
So it was nearly a year later when we were finally pregnant with William. No hormones! I went bak to the first book I ever bought on PCOS and started taking control of my body, not the other way around.
It is considered a huge possibility, from the literature I've read, that PCOS is basically knocked out when you get pregnant. I had only one working ovary, making pregnancy difficult, that was surrounded by polycysts…as if getting pregnant the old fashion way wasn't hard enough already.
Having kids has always been a lifelong dream of mine. When I was told it was going to be nearly impossible, at the time I was married to my ex, I was in tears. Total breakdown. You might as well have yanked it all out because it wasn't doing me any good.
I changed my life when I went through my divorce. My ex made sure to know it was all my fault we couldn't have kids, even though we had him tested and the test came back slow swimmers, it was all my fault. I dropped the baggage. Moved on and found a better life.
Been with my wonderful husband almost seven years now, four of those we've been married. When we started talking children, he already knew my problems and said if trying didn't work out and hormones didn't work, we could always adopt.
I am very grateful to him. He never gave up hope and was there for nearly every appt.
When we did start charting and trying to conceive, a year had passed. Went and saw a doctor who referred me to a hematologist to give the ok for hormones. Still ha to wait another year under a doctors supervision to make sure hormones would be the next step.
I finally gave up. I focused on school. DH wasn't upset and we both agreed perhaps waiting until I graduated was best. I was working at the same time, both involved lots of walking. I was losing weight, was happy, my cycles were regular and I was doing great in school.
The spring semester was halfway through and I had been feeling really rotten. Wouldn't you know losing all that weight would come at a price. I was hurting really bad and was certain I had a UTI, or worse it was bladder cancer (runs on my paternal side, just the women).
So they run tests, asked if I could be pregnant. I explained to them I couldn't get pregnant because of my struggle with PCOS and what I ha been told in the past, but that bladder cancer ran in my family an that I was susceptible to UTIs. So he ordered a urine culture.
"Good news. You are pregnant."
The doctor was smiling, just knowing that somehow it was the right thing to do.
My mouth dropped. I was speechless and looked at my husband. I really didn't know what to say.
"I'm sorry, but that's impossible. Urine tests have come back false positive for me before. I really want a blood test done."
His smile faded slightly, but he was still happy knowing he was right.
"Radiology is coming to get you for an ultrasound in a moment."
He left. DH was shocked but beaming. I was still speechless. I wanted a blood test to confirm what my urine always tells me is false.
I cried when I saw that little blimp on the screen. The radiologist told me what she was allowed to tell me, printed some papers and put them in my file. I was beyond words. I WAS PREGNANT!!!
Back in the room the doctor told me how far I was, gave me a date and gave his congratulations. I apologized for earlier and thanked him profusely. I WAS PREGNANT!!!
PCOS be damned I WAS PREGNANT!!! And wouldn't you know breastfeeding is hard for women with PCOS. I struggled in the beginning, but we prevailed. I now have two boys and am successfully breastfeeding!
PCOS BE DAMNED!!! I HAVE TWO BOYS!!!
Truly, PCOS is a struggle. Get checked. See a specialist, find out your options. DO YOUR RESEARCH!!!
Not everyone's story is a success. I've know a few women who either gave up because of PCOS or struggled for so long, even under medical supervision they just couldn't handle the emotions anymore. It's tough. Ask DH. One minute I'm fine, the next I was so manic he couldn't tell you what was wrong with me. I couldn't even, the hormones from PCOS were that controlling. Get checked. And know, that PCOS, as I've heard it put this way, isn't just the fat girl syndrome. Skinny girls also get PCOS. Get checked!
This blog was sparked from a blog I read on TFB's blog: http://resources.thefeministbreeder.com/health-wellness/putting-a-face-on-polycystic-ovary-syndrome-pcos/
Saturday, March 10, 2012
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Ideas for air travel...
Hubs and I are getting ready to go on a family vacation to Seattle with our two little boys...that's going to be lots of fun. I apologize in advance to any of the passengers we'll be sharing the flights with. Though one things for sure: the boys will have plenty of mommy milk to ease them during take off and landing. Of course, Baby Boy will get to eat from the tap. I'll have my Harmony with me so I can pump just enough to fill a couple of oral syringes for the boys' ears.
Any way, so this post is about how we are looking to save money while traveling. So far, I saved us nearly ten dollars on a Traveling Toddler Car Seat Travel Accessory. Never heard of one? Neither had we until we started researching easy ways to travel with a toddler and infant. Is there really an easy way???
Wow!!! At least I know it shouldn't break should we buy this...but we didn't buy it. Remember, I said we are looking to save money. So instead I purchased a 1" x 10' Light Duty Ratchet Tie Down for a whopping $4.88 at Walmart (for loads up to 300lbs and a break strength of 900lbs) vs. the $14.75 + shipping I would have spent with Amazon.
Go-Go Babyz Car Seat Luggage Strap. Wow! $20 plus shipping??? Really??? I just saved us even more money. But that's not the point with this find. This find showed something else I hadn't thought of. Why not just take the tie-down, run it through the car seat and tighten? But what about the top tether latch of the car seat that would keep the tie-down from slipping off our carry-on? The tie down has two hooks, one attached to the strap and one attached to a smaller strap that is attached to the ratchet.
And now I wish I had a picture of Little Boy in his car seat as I toted him around to see how well it worked. He was a happy camper, our lives were made just that much easier and I have a feeling once we're traveling through the airport he will be having a blast.
Any way, so this post is about how we are looking to save money while traveling. So far, I saved us nearly ten dollars on a Traveling Toddler Car Seat Travel Accessory. Never heard of one? Neither had we until we started researching easy ways to travel with a toddler and infant. Is there really an easy way???
A car seat travel accessory is a nylon strap, or as the description states:
"heavyweight polypropylene webbing that will withstand 900 lbs of force"
Wow!!! At least I know it shouldn't break should we buy this...but we didn't buy it. Remember, I said we are looking to save money. So instead I purchased a 1" x 10' Light Duty Ratchet Tie Down for a whopping $4.88 at Walmart (for loads up to 300lbs and a break strength of 900lbs) vs. the $14.75 + shipping I would have spent with Amazon.
Now I was going to get all crafty with it, cut it to the length I needed, add the small D-clips and get rid of the hooks, but then I saw this:
Go-Go Babyz Car Seat Luggage Strap. Wow! $20 plus shipping??? Really??? I just saved us even more money. But that's not the point with this find. This find showed something else I hadn't thought of. Why not just take the tie-down, run it through the car seat and tighten? But what about the top tether latch of the car seat that would keep the tie-down from slipping off our carry-on? The tie down has two hooks, one attached to the strap and one attached to a smaller strap that is attached to the ratchet.
We hooked the two ends together, but I was afraid they would come apart, so hubs suggested a zip-tie. It's not very classy, but it works. We attached the car seat to some carry-on luggage and was really surprised how well it worked. We tethered the top latch of the car seat to the hooks and it helped to distribute the weight very evenly. This was the best $5 dollars we have ever spent. No need to spend more than that for a travel accessory that you may only get to use once or twice.
And now I wish I had a picture of Little Boy in his car seat as I toted him around to see how well it worked. He was a happy camper, our lives were made just that much easier and I have a feeling once we're traveling through the airport he will be having a blast.
Sunday, January 29, 2012
I am a SAHM, I breastfeed and I'm Agnostic.
For those that don't know me, I am a stay at home mom. This is a choice both DH and I have agreed on while I finish school and he works some very bizarre hours. It makes things a little tight at times, but we manage.
We have two wonderful boys, the oldest is almost 26 months and our newest addition is just over three months. I breastfeed them both. I say again, I breastfeed them both. My reasons are my own, but for those who scoff at the idea that a 26 month old is still at the breast: research fully backs up the need for a baby to breastfeed from 2.5 years to as much as 7. I don't know how long my oldest will be breastfeeding as it is his decision. It was his decision when he started to eat solids, which wasn't until 10 months, and it'll be his decision when he stops breastfeeding.
Gasp! Oh my goodness! This lady allows her walking and talking toddler to feed from her. How can this be! Here's another little tidbit: the USDA and AAP have changed the guidelines for toddlers and OTC drugs. Anyone notice how many infants OTC meds are the shelf? Take a look. It's all fever reducers.
Every other medicine that used to be made available for infants and toddlers is now for 4 and older. I have to take my toddler to the pediatrician to get a script for a children's medicine that must be administered at a lower dosage. So you can get the same OTC children's medicine, but from my understanding, unless you have a child four or older, you need a prescription for that OTC.
So that takes us back to breastfeeding. Breastfeeding is a form of medicine. It is still being widely researched for what all is in breastmilk, but if it is good enough to give to cancer patients than it is good enough to give to my toddler.
DH and I were in a huge fight earlier. We're on our way to his dad's and stepmom's to meet his sister's boyfriend, and this young man's request. I hope he knows what he's doing; she does have two older brothers. Anyway, he asked me, he puts it as this one time (which it is the first time) to not breastfeed our youngest in front of this young man. I felt my heart rip in two.
Now before you say I'm being such a drama queen, how would you feel if someone asked you, this one time, for you to go eat in another room, or not eat at all, because they didn't like the way you ate? Insulted? Ashamed? Upset? Torn apart that someone you love and trust told you that you can't do that in front of someone?
Reasons: he's a young man, so don't plop it out (my words not his) in front him to feed our son; you want everyone to have respect for you and your breastfeeding. What about everyone else's feelings? Why can't you make everyone else feel comfortable too (all I hear is why can't you be like other moms and feed with a bottle or why can't you just this one time hide away so nobody feels weird about what's happening)?
BECAUSE I'M NOT ASHAMED OF WHAT I DO
My three month old feeds from "the tap" in public. Depending on what I'm wearing and how active my son is depends on whether I will cover up. Also, depending on where I am. When I am over at other peoples homes I will wear a cover or a blanket. I do have respect for other peoples dwellings. If I know I am in a home where the people living there believe in breastfeeding, I won't cover, unless I have seen them cover, then I'll know their position on public breastfeeding.
When we go to my in-laws, I cover. At my home, I will not cover. That is where I sleep, eat, shower, do my business, live and make the rules. I will not cover up in my own home.
DH told me I sound like some kind of activist, that I have basically taken this too far. Correction.
I AM A LACTIVIST!!!
I stand for breastfeeding. I stand for my right to breastfeed where I want and when I want, rather when my son wants. I don't practice the cry it out method. I practice shove that nipple in that crying baby's mouth method. I say shove because this is what people tend to say when a baby is crying and you've tried everything else.
Yes, I publicly breastfeed, sometimes covered sometimes not. Yes, I feed my toddler, but for him it is just snack time, and we're normally home during snack time or he falls asleep. He hasn't nursed in public since right before I was pregnant with our youngest. It's just how it's worked out, but I do feed him at other people's homes, when there isn't so much going on. He practices gymnastics breastfeeding, so sometimes it's a little difficult.
So after DH finally apologized for making me cry, and yes I bawled my eyes out because he was the last person I expected to tell me to hide away in a room this one time. That really hurt my feelings. So yes I cried, and cried, and cried.
Finally, yes. I'm an agnostic. I haven't been to church on my own since my mom died. And really, I haven't talked to god since then either. That's nearly ten years. I grew up in the Lutheran religion the majority of my life, and I was led to believe that Lutheranism is the one true religion, that all others believe in way too much or practice weird things. I have questioned this for a long time.
I married an atheist, who grew up a baptist. We have been telling my family for the past six years we have been attending a church or different churches. DH brought up an interesting point. If I can't make his family feel comfortable, because my breastfeeding is obviously something to be ashamed of, then why should he continue to make my family comfortable.
He's right. This is the first time it is coming out. I should probably talk to my family first before saying this, but I will see them in a little over a month and if they have questions I am happy to answer them. We don't talk to god. We don't talk about god. We both agreed when our kids are older they can make the decision themselves. If they want to go to church, we happily support them.
We have religious friends. We get along great with our religious friends. Sometimes we talk about religion, but it normally doesn't come up. Not by choice, it just doesn't. We don't seclude ourselves from people who believe in what they want to believe in. Why should we? We don't have a problem with them or religion. We only choose to believe in what we do believe in.
So yes. Now it's time for us to be comfortable. We are not religious. We don't attend church, I breastfeed whenever and wherever and will continue to do so until my boys no longer want to breastfeed. I will continue to stand up for breastfeeding and continue to support every woman's right to ready feed whenever and wherever she likes.
We have two wonderful boys, the oldest is almost 26 months and our newest addition is just over three months. I breastfeed them both. I say again, I breastfeed them both. My reasons are my own, but for those who scoff at the idea that a 26 month old is still at the breast: research fully backs up the need for a baby to breastfeed from 2.5 years to as much as 7. I don't know how long my oldest will be breastfeeding as it is his decision. It was his decision when he started to eat solids, which wasn't until 10 months, and it'll be his decision when he stops breastfeeding.
Gasp! Oh my goodness! This lady allows her walking and talking toddler to feed from her. How can this be! Here's another little tidbit: the USDA and AAP have changed the guidelines for toddlers and OTC drugs. Anyone notice how many infants OTC meds are the shelf? Take a look. It's all fever reducers.
Every other medicine that used to be made available for infants and toddlers is now for 4 and older. I have to take my toddler to the pediatrician to get a script for a children's medicine that must be administered at a lower dosage. So you can get the same OTC children's medicine, but from my understanding, unless you have a child four or older, you need a prescription for that OTC.
So that takes us back to breastfeeding. Breastfeeding is a form of medicine. It is still being widely researched for what all is in breastmilk, but if it is good enough to give to cancer patients than it is good enough to give to my toddler.
DH and I were in a huge fight earlier. We're on our way to his dad's and stepmom's to meet his sister's boyfriend, and this young man's request. I hope he knows what he's doing; she does have two older brothers. Anyway, he asked me, he puts it as this one time (which it is the first time) to not breastfeed our youngest in front of this young man. I felt my heart rip in two.
Now before you say I'm being such a drama queen, how would you feel if someone asked you, this one time, for you to go eat in another room, or not eat at all, because they didn't like the way you ate? Insulted? Ashamed? Upset? Torn apart that someone you love and trust told you that you can't do that in front of someone?
Reasons: he's a young man, so don't plop it out (my words not his) in front him to feed our son; you want everyone to have respect for you and your breastfeeding. What about everyone else's feelings? Why can't you make everyone else feel comfortable too (all I hear is why can't you be like other moms and feed with a bottle or why can't you just this one time hide away so nobody feels weird about what's happening)?
BECAUSE I'M NOT ASHAMED OF WHAT I DO
My three month old feeds from "the tap" in public. Depending on what I'm wearing and how active my son is depends on whether I will cover up. Also, depending on where I am. When I am over at other peoples homes I will wear a cover or a blanket. I do have respect for other peoples dwellings. If I know I am in a home where the people living there believe in breastfeeding, I won't cover, unless I have seen them cover, then I'll know their position on public breastfeeding.
When we go to my in-laws, I cover. At my home, I will not cover. That is where I sleep, eat, shower, do my business, live and make the rules. I will not cover up in my own home.
DH told me I sound like some kind of activist, that I have basically taken this too far. Correction.
I AM A LACTIVIST!!!
I stand for breastfeeding. I stand for my right to breastfeed where I want and when I want, rather when my son wants. I don't practice the cry it out method. I practice shove that nipple in that crying baby's mouth method. I say shove because this is what people tend to say when a baby is crying and you've tried everything else.
Yes, I publicly breastfeed, sometimes covered sometimes not. Yes, I feed my toddler, but for him it is just snack time, and we're normally home during snack time or he falls asleep. He hasn't nursed in public since right before I was pregnant with our youngest. It's just how it's worked out, but I do feed him at other people's homes, when there isn't so much going on. He practices gymnastics breastfeeding, so sometimes it's a little difficult.
So after DH finally apologized for making me cry, and yes I bawled my eyes out because he was the last person I expected to tell me to hide away in a room this one time. That really hurt my feelings. So yes I cried, and cried, and cried.
Finally, yes. I'm an agnostic. I haven't been to church on my own since my mom died. And really, I haven't talked to god since then either. That's nearly ten years. I grew up in the Lutheran religion the majority of my life, and I was led to believe that Lutheranism is the one true religion, that all others believe in way too much or practice weird things. I have questioned this for a long time.
I married an atheist, who grew up a baptist. We have been telling my family for the past six years we have been attending a church or different churches. DH brought up an interesting point. If I can't make his family feel comfortable, because my breastfeeding is obviously something to be ashamed of, then why should he continue to make my family comfortable.
He's right. This is the first time it is coming out. I should probably talk to my family first before saying this, but I will see them in a little over a month and if they have questions I am happy to answer them. We don't talk to god. We don't talk about god. We both agreed when our kids are older they can make the decision themselves. If they want to go to church, we happily support them.
We have religious friends. We get along great with our religious friends. Sometimes we talk about religion, but it normally doesn't come up. Not by choice, it just doesn't. We don't seclude ourselves from people who believe in what they want to believe in. Why should we? We don't have a problem with them or religion. We only choose to believe in what we do believe in.
So yes. Now it's time for us to be comfortable. We are not religious. We don't attend church, I breastfeed whenever and wherever and will continue to do so until my boys no longer want to breastfeed. I will continue to stand up for breastfeeding and continue to support every woman's right to ready feed whenever and wherever she likes.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
The holidays unveil the reality of life
As I lay here in bed, my head pounding from a sinus infection I'm trying to nip in the butt, I'm deciding whether or not I want to cry. Nothing horrible happened tonight, well except for the fact that we saw what lots of sugar and not enough sleep does to a toddler. Since Baby Boy was born my emotions have been set in overdrive. I'm not depressed by any means, at least I don't believe I am. Baby Boy is almost 9 weeks and I haven't cried once, though the urge has been there. Who knew how overwhelming having a newborn and a toddler could be.
Anyway, I have been dealing with this feeling of dread for quite some time. Tonight really forced that emotion to the surface; actually it's been the combination of the last few days events. I just kissed DH bye as he headed to Walgreens to pick up some pictures, batteries and medicine. I really wanted to cry then.
Every time I kiss him bye I often wonder if that's the last time I'll see him. I make it a point to pour my love and feelings into every kiss and give him this look of my undying devotion. You may be asking yourself why? Could this crazy lady be married to a man who is a cop, a firefighter or someone whose job forces them to put their life on the line?
In actuality, his life is on the line, but he isn't a public servant; not by any means. He is actually one of the most hated people in the city. No, he is not a politician. He is actually something worse. For purposes of anonymity, we will just say he is a crime reporter.
A reporter? Right, that is so dangerous. Let me stop you at that thought. I also thought the same thing at one point. A crime reporter just reports the crime, they get quotes from witnesses and the public servants at every scene. DH doesn't just report crime, he reports every detail of the truth of what happened at every scene, but not every crime he and the other reporters go to make it in the paper. There is always that bigger and better story that pushes everything else down the ladder.
DH has come home in the past, telling me someone being arrested threatened his life. He's friends with several of the cops and they often look at him and ask him if he wishes to press charges for someone threatening his life. He won't, because it will only make the matter worse, especially when 99% of the time it's just an open threat.
Now, I believe that percentage has gone down to 90%. I used to blow off the threats as people being pissed off. Who wants to end up in the paper, their face under some catchy/corny headline making fun of them for getting caught, there for the public to see? Nobody does, but there are those who take it to the next level.
The first time DH came home telling me someone threatened his life, I laughed. 1) What were they really going to do? 2) Did they know who they were threatening? 3) Refer back to 1.
It was all fine and dandy in the beginning, but it has slowly turned into no laughing matter. The first time DH told me someone tried to follow him home I didn't worry about it. I used to be a cop, I am familiar with the threats and how dangerous people can be when being arrested and how far they may be willing to go. I get it, but I know DH is much too careful and crafty to allow someone to follow him to our home.
The threats have become more frequent over time. He is the most hated man in our city. With another baby here, the thought of something happening to him has really driven the reality of the situation home. What would happen if he was no longer around? How would we survive? Seeing how my oldest has been with DH really drives home the reality of how hard life would be if he weren't here.
A couple nights ago, while DH was at a gas station picking up a couple drinks on his way back home from a call, he saw a man he recognized. It was someone that had threatened to kill him. I'm at home, figuring he had a call while on his way home. He comes in and tells me what happened, and that he drove around for five blocks, going different ways to make sure he wasn't being followed, and he was pretty sure he was being followed for a bit.
Poor guy is worn out too. Between a new baby, a toddler who won't sleep, and doing three or four peoples jobs, I wonder how much more he can handle before it becomes too much and something bad happens.
We know we're definitely going to buy a new place, someplace not in the city. Unfortunately, that also means he won't be home with us when he works nights, which will be a huge adjustment and will also bring on lots of fights. Little Boy loves spending time with his daddy, and Baby Boy needs to know there is a daddy in the picture. Moving means seeing daddy an hour or two in the mornings Monday to Wednesday, three hours Tuesday night, eight hours Thursday to Saturday and 12 hours Sunday. I'm taking time out for sleep.
So that's 45 hours in a week to see daddy, and that's on a normal, expected week. Minus nap time, which averages 2hrs a day, we're looking at an average of 31hrs. Sounds like plenty, right? Let's break down the time for someone with a 9-5 job. My boys wake up at about 7 in the morning. So we'll say 90 minutes every morning, 5 days a week. So that's 7-1/2hrs so far. My boys go to bed at 9, so we'll say 3-1/2hrs before bed, 5 days a week. That's 17-1/2hrs, so now we're at 25hrs. My boys are up for 14hrs, so that's 53hrs total. Minus nap time, we're averaging 39hrs a week to see daddy.
To me, 8hrs is a lot. That's 8hrs not chasing crime, not being threatened, not being followed, not having to worry about whether or not my husband, my boys' daddy, is coming home. Sure, he can get in a car accident or some other common accident, maybe afflicted with some kind of disease or sickness. But doing what he does, there's more of a chance he could be shot, stabbed, have someone follow him home and do who knows what.
This holiday really has opened my eyes to what I have and what I don't want to lose. Drama queen? Yes I am. But I'm also a realist. I look at everything from all angles, every possibility and pick out the likeliest scenarios. Though the likeliest, scariest scenarios may not happen, they are still there and still a greater possibility than the average incident.
Anyway, I have been dealing with this feeling of dread for quite some time. Tonight really forced that emotion to the surface; actually it's been the combination of the last few days events. I just kissed DH bye as he headed to Walgreens to pick up some pictures, batteries and medicine. I really wanted to cry then.
Every time I kiss him bye I often wonder if that's the last time I'll see him. I make it a point to pour my love and feelings into every kiss and give him this look of my undying devotion. You may be asking yourself why? Could this crazy lady be married to a man who is a cop, a firefighter or someone whose job forces them to put their life on the line?
In actuality, his life is on the line, but he isn't a public servant; not by any means. He is actually one of the most hated people in the city. No, he is not a politician. He is actually something worse. For purposes of anonymity, we will just say he is a crime reporter.
A reporter? Right, that is so dangerous. Let me stop you at that thought. I also thought the same thing at one point. A crime reporter just reports the crime, they get quotes from witnesses and the public servants at every scene. DH doesn't just report crime, he reports every detail of the truth of what happened at every scene, but not every crime he and the other reporters go to make it in the paper. There is always that bigger and better story that pushes everything else down the ladder.
DH has come home in the past, telling me someone being arrested threatened his life. He's friends with several of the cops and they often look at him and ask him if he wishes to press charges for someone threatening his life. He won't, because it will only make the matter worse, especially when 99% of the time it's just an open threat.
Now, I believe that percentage has gone down to 90%. I used to blow off the threats as people being pissed off. Who wants to end up in the paper, their face under some catchy/corny headline making fun of them for getting caught, there for the public to see? Nobody does, but there are those who take it to the next level.
The first time DH came home telling me someone threatened his life, I laughed. 1) What were they really going to do? 2) Did they know who they were threatening? 3) Refer back to 1.
It was all fine and dandy in the beginning, but it has slowly turned into no laughing matter. The first time DH told me someone tried to follow him home I didn't worry about it. I used to be a cop, I am familiar with the threats and how dangerous people can be when being arrested and how far they may be willing to go. I get it, but I know DH is much too careful and crafty to allow someone to follow him to our home.
The threats have become more frequent over time. He is the most hated man in our city. With another baby here, the thought of something happening to him has really driven the reality of the situation home. What would happen if he was no longer around? How would we survive? Seeing how my oldest has been with DH really drives home the reality of how hard life would be if he weren't here.
A couple nights ago, while DH was at a gas station picking up a couple drinks on his way back home from a call, he saw a man he recognized. It was someone that had threatened to kill him. I'm at home, figuring he had a call while on his way home. He comes in and tells me what happened, and that he drove around for five blocks, going different ways to make sure he wasn't being followed, and he was pretty sure he was being followed for a bit.
Poor guy is worn out too. Between a new baby, a toddler who won't sleep, and doing three or four peoples jobs, I wonder how much more he can handle before it becomes too much and something bad happens.
We know we're definitely going to buy a new place, someplace not in the city. Unfortunately, that also means he won't be home with us when he works nights, which will be a huge adjustment and will also bring on lots of fights. Little Boy loves spending time with his daddy, and Baby Boy needs to know there is a daddy in the picture. Moving means seeing daddy an hour or two in the mornings Monday to Wednesday, three hours Tuesday night, eight hours Thursday to Saturday and 12 hours Sunday. I'm taking time out for sleep.
So that's 45 hours in a week to see daddy, and that's on a normal, expected week. Minus nap time, which averages 2hrs a day, we're looking at an average of 31hrs. Sounds like plenty, right? Let's break down the time for someone with a 9-5 job. My boys wake up at about 7 in the morning. So we'll say 90 minutes every morning, 5 days a week. So that's 7-1/2hrs so far. My boys go to bed at 9, so we'll say 3-1/2hrs before bed, 5 days a week. That's 17-1/2hrs, so now we're at 25hrs. My boys are up for 14hrs, so that's 53hrs total. Minus nap time, we're averaging 39hrs a week to see daddy.
To me, 8hrs is a lot. That's 8hrs not chasing crime, not being threatened, not being followed, not having to worry about whether or not my husband, my boys' daddy, is coming home. Sure, he can get in a car accident or some other common accident, maybe afflicted with some kind of disease or sickness. But doing what he does, there's more of a chance he could be shot, stabbed, have someone follow him home and do who knows what.
This holiday really has opened my eyes to what I have and what I don't want to lose. Drama queen? Yes I am. But I'm also a realist. I look at everything from all angles, every possibility and pick out the likeliest scenarios. Though the likeliest, scariest scenarios may not happen, they are still there and still a greater possibility than the average incident.
Saturday, December 17, 2011
I did it to myself
Sort of sad and in a lot of pain. Baby boy is seven weeks old and guess what decided to pay a visit. Not only did my lochia last forever, but now I get to be a vampire again, or maybe I should say zombie; both can bleed forever and not die from it…
So what changed? I'm not bed-sharing this time; we bought a co-sleeper. We gave him a pacifier already; I think we waited nearly six months before Little Boy was given a pacifier, and my cycle didn't return until he was about 13 months…maybe a little before that.
Baby Boy is a horrible night nurser! I wake up engorged and he's still passed out, yet he also has a paci. I did it myself, didn't I. I have caused it to come back early because I'm not repeating the same steps.
I really just wanted my own space back and to snuggle with my hubby. Little Boy is sleeping in his own bed now, so can't I have my space from needy babies and cuddle time with hubby? I'm thinking it might be time to set some sort of schedule.
No, not the kind Dr. Spock has trained society to understand. This schedule will still follow Baby Boys's cues, but I'm going to have to time between those cues. Once I figure out his general pattern, I will have to set an alarm to get up and go pump. As much as I dislike the idea, cause I really hate to pump, I am going to have to find a way to use LAM.
I suppose we could always bed-share, but I really like my cuddle time. So no more pacis! Nurse more frequently! It's not that I want to keep aunt flow at bay, and yes I do for fertility purposes, but our supply can take a dip when menstruation happens. I have a seven week old. I don't want supply issues already.
Oh, and I'm in pain because I suffer from barometric arthritis. I don't have menstrual cramps.
So what changed? I'm not bed-sharing this time; we bought a co-sleeper. We gave him a pacifier already; I think we waited nearly six months before Little Boy was given a pacifier, and my cycle didn't return until he was about 13 months…maybe a little before that.
Baby Boy is a horrible night nurser! I wake up engorged and he's still passed out, yet he also has a paci. I did it myself, didn't I. I have caused it to come back early because I'm not repeating the same steps.
I really just wanted my own space back and to snuggle with my hubby. Little Boy is sleeping in his own bed now, so can't I have my space from needy babies and cuddle time with hubby? I'm thinking it might be time to set some sort of schedule.
No, not the kind Dr. Spock has trained society to understand. This schedule will still follow Baby Boys's cues, but I'm going to have to time between those cues. Once I figure out his general pattern, I will have to set an alarm to get up and go pump. As much as I dislike the idea, cause I really hate to pump, I am going to have to find a way to use LAM.
I suppose we could always bed-share, but I really like my cuddle time. So no more pacis! Nurse more frequently! It's not that I want to keep aunt flow at bay, and yes I do for fertility purposes, but our supply can take a dip when menstruation happens. I have a seven week old. I don't want supply issues already.
Oh, and I'm in pain because I suffer from barometric arthritis. I don't have menstrual cramps.
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