The holidays unveil the reality of life

As I lay here in bed, my head pounding from a sinus infection I'm trying to nip in the butt, I'm deciding whether or not I want to cry. Nothing horrible happened tonight, well except for the fact that we saw what lots of sugar and not enough sleep does to a toddler. Since Baby Boy was born my emotions have been set in overdrive. I'm not depressed by any means, at least I don't believe I am. Baby Boy is almost 9 weeks and I haven't cried once, though the urge has been there. Who knew how overwhelming having a newborn and a toddler could be.

Anyway, I have been dealing with this feeling of dread for quite some time. Tonight really forced that emotion to the surface; actually it's been the combination of the last few days events. I just kissed DH bye as he headed to Walgreens to pick up some pictures, batteries and medicine. I really wanted to cry then.

Every time I kiss him bye I often wonder if that's the last time I'll see him. I make it a point to pour my love and feelings into every kiss and give him this look of my undying devotion. You may be asking yourself why? Could this crazy lady be married to a man who is a cop, a firefighter or someone whose job forces them to put their life on the line?

In actuality, his life is on the line, but he isn't a public servant; not by any means. He is actually one of the most hated people in the city. No, he is not a politician. He is actually something worse. For purposes of anonymity, we will just say he is a crime reporter.

A reporter? Right, that is so dangerous. Let me stop you at that thought. I also thought the same thing at one point. A crime reporter just reports the crime, they get quotes from witnesses and the public servants at every scene. DH doesn't just report crime, he reports every detail of the truth of what happened at every scene, but not every crime he and the other reporters go to make it in the paper. There is always that bigger and better story that pushes everything else down the ladder.

DH has come home in the past, telling me someone being arrested threatened his life. He's friends with several of the cops and they often look at him and ask him if he wishes to press charges for someone threatening his life. He won't, because it will only make the matter worse, especially when 99% of the time it's just an open threat.

Now, I believe that percentage has gone down to 90%. I used to blow off the threats as people being pissed off. Who wants to end up in the paper, their face under some catchy/corny headline making fun of them for getting caught, there for the public to see? Nobody does, but there are those who take it to the next level.

The first time DH came home telling me someone threatened his life, I laughed. 1) What were they really going to do? 2) Did they know who they were threatening? 3) Refer back to 1.

It was all fine and dandy in the beginning, but it has slowly turned into no laughing matter. The first time DH told me someone tried to follow him home I didn't worry about it. I used to be a cop, I am familiar with the threats and how dangerous people can be when being arrested and how far they may be willing to go. I get it, but I know DH is much too careful and crafty to allow someone to follow him to our home.

The threats have become more frequent over time. He is the most hated man in our city. With another baby here, the thought of something happening to him has really driven the reality of the situation home. What would happen if he was no longer around? How would we survive? Seeing how my oldest has been with DH really drives home the reality of how hard life would be if he weren't here.

A couple nights ago, while DH was at a gas station picking up a couple drinks on his way back home from a call, he saw a man he recognized. It was someone that had threatened to kill him. I'm at home, figuring he had a call while on his way home. He comes in and tells me what happened, and that he drove around for five blocks, going different ways to make sure he wasn't being followed, and he was pretty sure he was being followed for a bit.

Poor guy is worn out too. Between a new baby, a toddler who won't sleep, and doing three or four peoples jobs, I wonder how much more he can handle before it becomes too much and something bad happens.

We know we're definitely going to buy a new place, someplace not in the city. Unfortunately, that also means he won't be home with us when he works nights, which will be a huge adjustment and will also bring on lots of fights. Little Boy loves spending time with his daddy, and Baby Boy needs to know there is a daddy in the picture. Moving means seeing daddy an hour or two in the mornings Monday to Wednesday, three hours Tuesday night, eight hours Thursday to Saturday and 12 hours Sunday. I'm taking time out for sleep.

So that's 45 hours in a week to see daddy, and that's on a normal, expected week. Minus nap time, which averages 2hrs a day, we're looking at an average of 31hrs. Sounds like plenty, right? Let's break down the time for someone with a 9-5 job. My boys wake up at about 7 in the morning. So we'll say 90 minutes every morning, 5 days a week. So that's 7-1/2hrs so far. My boys go to bed at 9, so we'll say 3-1/2hrs before bed, 5 days a week. That's 17-1/2hrs, so now we're at 25hrs. My boys are up for 14hrs, so that's 53hrs total. Minus nap time, we're averaging 39hrs a week to see daddy.

To me, 8hrs is a lot. That's 8hrs not chasing crime, not being threatened, not being followed, not having to worry about whether or not my husband, my boys' daddy, is coming home. Sure, he can get in a car accident or some other common accident, maybe afflicted with some kind of disease or sickness. But doing what he does, there's more of a chance he could be shot, stabbed, have someone follow him home and do who knows what.

This holiday really has opened my eyes to what I have and what I don't want to lose. Drama queen? Yes I am. But I'm also a realist. I look at everything from all angles, every possibility and pick out the likeliest scenarios. Though the likeliest, scariest scenarios may not happen, they are still there and still a greater possibility than the average incident.

I did it to myself

Sort of sad and in a lot of pain. Baby boy is seven weeks old and guess what decided to pay a visit. Not only did my lochia last forever, but now I get to be a vampire again, or maybe I should say zombie; both can bleed forever and not die from it…

So what changed? I'm not bed-sharing this time; we bought a co-sleeper. We gave him a pacifier already; I think we waited nearly six months before Little Boy was given a pacifier, and my cycle didn't return until he was about 13 months…maybe a little before that.

Baby Boy is a horrible night nurser! I wake up engorged and he's still passed out, yet he also has a paci. I did it myself, didn't I. I have caused it to come back early because I'm not repeating the same steps.

I really just wanted my own space back and to snuggle with my hubby. Little Boy is sleeping in his own bed now, so can't I have my space from needy babies and cuddle time with hubby? I'm thinking it might be time to set some sort of schedule.

No, not the kind Dr. Spock has trained society to understand. This schedule will still follow Baby Boys's cues, but I'm going to have to time between those cues. Once I figure out his general pattern, I will have to set an alarm to get up and go pump. As much as I dislike the idea, cause I really hate to pump, I am going to have to find a way to use LAM.

I suppose we could always bed-share, but I really like my cuddle time. So no more pacis! Nurse more frequently! It's not that I want to keep aunt flow at bay, and yes I do for fertility purposes, but our supply can take a dip when menstruation happens. I have a seven week old. I don't want supply issues already.

Oh, and I'm in pain because I suffer from barometric arthritis. I don't have menstrual cramps.

It's been too long...

Well, it's been so long since I've last updated this thing. What have I been up to...oh yes, I recently had baby number two, I started cloth diapering, I finished the semester, I'm taking a break from school for a little bit, I'm becoming crafty...I'm sure there is something I am forgetting.

Cloth is taking over my life! DH bought me a sewing machine for Christmas and I can't wait until it gets here! I have so many ideas in my head that I think I will explode! Hubby is glad though, it's keeping me happy and busy. Plus, I'm finding ways for us to save loads of money!

I'm successfully breastfeeding baby number two...oh, by the way we had another boy! Little Boy has decided he wants to nurse again. Not only am I nursing a newborn that has decided he is going to get an early start on his gymnastics, I'm also nursing a toddler that enjoys his gymnastics while tandem! How insane is that!

My birth was pretty easy. I wanted natural and was on my way there, but I was given pitocin and survived it for four hours. It became to unbearable and I wanted my epidural. I kept going back and forth, but for some reason I wasn't dilating fast enough. It had nothing to do with the scar tissue from last time. Maybe Baby Boy wasn't really ready, even though my water broke at seven in the morning...and on a Wednesday no less. Hubby tried to contain his enthusiasm as he texted "shit" to his boss, whose wife had baby number three two week earlier. Hubby works for a newspaper and it goes to press, needs to go to press, by Wednesday night. I laughed when DH told me the hospital staff gave him the dirtiest look as he brought a crate of work with him. It was hilarious especially since the crate is pink. Told hubby to bring my school work to the hospital. I was determined to get some work done. That didn't really pan out.

Baby Boy will be seven weeks soon. Little Boy just turned two. Hubby thinks I'm crazy because I'm already planning baby number 3, but we won't be pregnant, at least don't plan to be pregnant, until Baby Boy has already turned two. Little Boy will be four, almost five, when baby number 3 arrives. Hopefully being past thirty won't cause us too many fertility problems...especially since it took us nearly three years just to get pregnant with Little Boy.

DH and I are going to lose weight together. Part of our whole turning green is becoming more sustainable. That means eating more at home and making healthier choices for all of us. I've already lost the baby weight and plan on running soon. Actually, that was supposed to start yesterday now that I think about it, but sleep has escaped me and I don't have the energy.

Especially since my energy is focused elsewhere. I went to a Cloth Diapering 101 class through Starkville Natural Parenting. Since a friend of mine couldn't make it, I told her I would take notes. Well I took video instead. I'm finally getting around to editing the video. Yah, that's proving to be more work than I expected. I think I need to find an external mouse or put the video and software on DH's computer. Doing this on a laptop is killing me!

I told Laura, the SNP member who conducted the class, that I took video and was putting it together for a friend who couldn't make it and asked her if she wanted a copy for her website or SNP's website. Yah, now I've become a perfectionist. I told her it would be ready by the end of this week. So I've given myself a timeline and need to get it done. Which means I have started over twice. I am about to start over a third time. The software I d/l can't rotate video, and since PCs don't really like iPhone videos, I had to use Windows Movie Maker. DH came up with a brilliant idea, right as I saved the movie and it is still converting an hour later. Didn't think about rotating the video in WMM, making it and then putting it in the other software! I'm so angry with myself.

That's ok though. Day three of working on this should prove good. I know what I want it to look like and I know what I need to do now. It'll be looking pretty good by the end of the week, I hope. It better! I'm an amateur at video editing, but that doesn't mean it can't look good as far as amateur work goes. And the software I d/l is pretty good, so I'm hopeful.

Well, I suppose that is it for now. I am hoping to be more active here in the future. Planning on blogging every week. I have so much I like to talk about and so much going on right now!