As I lay here in bed, my head pounding from a sinus infection I'm trying to nip in the butt, I'm deciding whether or not I want to cry. Nothing horrible happened tonight, well except for the fact that we saw what lots of sugar and not enough sleep does to a toddler. Since Baby Boy was born my emotions have been set in overdrive. I'm not depressed by any means, at least I don't believe I am. Baby Boy is almost 9 weeks and I haven't cried once, though the urge has been there. Who knew how overwhelming having a newborn and a toddler could be.
Anyway, I have been dealing with this feeling of dread for quite some time. Tonight really forced that emotion to the surface; actually it's been the combination of the last few days events. I just kissed DH bye as he headed to Walgreens to pick up some pictures, batteries and medicine. I really wanted to cry then.
Every time I kiss him bye I often wonder if that's the last time I'll see him. I make it a point to pour my love and feelings into every kiss and give him this look of my undying devotion. You may be asking yourself why? Could this crazy lady be married to a man who is a cop, a firefighter or someone whose job forces them to put their life on the line?
In actuality, his life is on the line, but he isn't a public servant; not by any means. He is actually one of the most hated people in the city. No, he is not a politician. He is actually something worse. For purposes of anonymity, we will just say he is a crime reporter.
A reporter? Right, that is so dangerous. Let me stop you at that thought. I also thought the same thing at one point. A crime reporter just reports the crime, they get quotes from witnesses and the public servants at every scene. DH doesn't just report crime, he reports every detail of the truth of what happened at every scene, but not every crime he and the other reporters go to make it in the paper. There is always that bigger and better story that pushes everything else down the ladder.
DH has come home in the past, telling me someone being arrested threatened his life. He's friends with several of the cops and they often look at him and ask him if he wishes to press charges for someone threatening his life. He won't, because it will only make the matter worse, especially when 99% of the time it's just an open threat.
Now, I believe that percentage has gone down to 90%. I used to blow off the threats as people being pissed off. Who wants to end up in the paper, their face under some catchy/corny headline making fun of them for getting caught, there for the public to see? Nobody does, but there are those who take it to the next level.
The first time DH came home telling me someone threatened his life, I laughed. 1) What were they really going to do? 2) Did they know who they were threatening? 3) Refer back to 1.
It was all fine and dandy in the beginning, but it has slowly turned into no laughing matter. The first time DH told me someone tried to follow him home I didn't worry about it. I used to be a cop, I am familiar with the threats and how dangerous people can be when being arrested and how far they may be willing to go. I get it, but I know DH is much too careful and crafty to allow someone to follow him to our home.
The threats have become more frequent over time. He is the most hated man in our city. With another baby here, the thought of something happening to him has really driven the reality of the situation home. What would happen if he was no longer around? How would we survive? Seeing how my oldest has been with DH really drives home the reality of how hard life would be if he weren't here.
A couple nights ago, while DH was at a gas station picking up a couple drinks on his way back home from a call, he saw a man he recognized. It was someone that had threatened to kill him. I'm at home, figuring he had a call while on his way home. He comes in and tells me what happened, and that he drove around for five blocks, going different ways to make sure he wasn't being followed, and he was pretty sure he was being followed for a bit.
Poor guy is worn out too. Between a new baby, a toddler who won't sleep, and doing three or four peoples jobs, I wonder how much more he can handle before it becomes too much and something bad happens.
We know we're definitely going to buy a new place, someplace not in the city. Unfortunately, that also means he won't be home with us when he works nights, which will be a huge adjustment and will also bring on lots of fights. Little Boy loves spending time with his daddy, and Baby Boy needs to know there is a daddy in the picture. Moving means seeing daddy an hour or two in the mornings Monday to Wednesday, three hours Tuesday night, eight hours Thursday to Saturday and 12 hours Sunday. I'm taking time out for sleep.
So that's 45 hours in a week to see daddy, and that's on a normal, expected week. Minus nap time, which averages 2hrs a day, we're looking at an average of 31hrs. Sounds like plenty, right? Let's break down the time for someone with a 9-5 job. My boys wake up at about 7 in the morning. So we'll say 90 minutes every morning, 5 days a week. So that's 7-1/2hrs so far. My boys go to bed at 9, so we'll say 3-1/2hrs before bed, 5 days a week. That's 17-1/2hrs, so now we're at 25hrs. My boys are up for 14hrs, so that's 53hrs total. Minus nap time, we're averaging 39hrs a week to see daddy.
To me, 8hrs is a lot. That's 8hrs not chasing crime, not being threatened, not being followed, not having to worry about whether or not my husband, my boys' daddy, is coming home. Sure, he can get in a car accident or some other common accident, maybe afflicted with some kind of disease or sickness. But doing what he does, there's more of a chance he could be shot, stabbed, have someone follow him home and do who knows what.
This holiday really has opened my eyes to what I have and what I don't want to lose. Drama queen? Yes I am. But I'm also a realist. I look at everything from all angles, every possibility and pick out the likeliest scenarios. Though the likeliest, scariest scenarios may not happen, they are still there and still a greater possibility than the average incident.
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